I haven't disappeared, I've just been trying my best to keep busy. I hope you're all still with me.
Today I'm going to answer another question that I've been asked quite a bit.
- What was/has been the most difficult part about the adoption?
I'm going to be completely honest here. Aside from having to accept the fact that I was unable to financially and emotionally care for (my own) baby myself, the most difficult part has been the distance the adoption has put between my family and myself. I could be completely off base here but I must admit, I haven't received much support from them. Maybe it's selfish for me to think that having gone through a pregnancy, a labour, and then an adoption, that I would receive messages or phone calls either immediately after, or by now, asking how I'm doing. Instead, when I reach out and try to have a conversation, it isn't talked about. I have asked some, "would you like to see a picture?" and the response is "no." And maybe it's hard on them. Or maybe they're embarrassed or disappointed in me. I'm not sure, because I don't hear much, good or bad. Anyway, it's okay, because I'm strong, and I have a lot of people besides my family that offer emotional support and that do ask me how I'm doing and people that do enjoy seeing pictures, just as I do. I don't even know if they read these posts but I've come to accept that they may not and may never will. And that's okay. I am sure they have their reasons and who am I to ask anything of them? I don't know what they're feeling or thinking. It's their prerogative. Family is what you make it. Family isn't always blood. And that is so fitting to mention because we are speaking of an adoption after all. But going back to the beginning of this paragraph, as I stated, it is a hard pill to swallow knowing that I couldn't do enough on my own. This is leading me to another question that although hasn't been asked much, I know a lot of people wonder...
- What have I done and what steps have I taken to change my situation for the better so as to avoid getting into a similar position where I am not left with many options?
Let me make this clear - I do not wish to have any more "unplanned" pregnancies. Even though this "unplanned" pregnancy produced one of the most beautiful, amazing beings that I'll ever be privileged enough to say "I created," I never again want to be in a position where I feel so scared, confused, and helpless. Never again. I have taken steps to ensure this doesn't ever happen again. I've recently applied and been hired for a job which is to begin this upcoming Monday. I haven't worked in 6 years so this is pretty exciting for me. I have also been going through the process of applying for an online course that will end with a "university certificate" in Human Resources and Labour Relations. I will start in May and it takes a year to complete. The best part is, I get to do it all from the comfort of my own home and more or less at my own pace. I'm completely focused on becoming independent and self-sufficient and I couldn't be more excited! For those of you that actually know me really well already, you'll know that this isn't a first for me, no. Every time leading up to now, I have started things and never finished. I get bored easily, my mind wanders, something better comes up, (insert another excuse here)... But the old way hasn't worked for me. I feel like last year, I hit the lowest point of my life. To reiterate, I am doing absolutely everything I can to avoid being in that place again, and I'm not stopping until something is finished, for once. It's never too late to make things right for yourself. Just because you get knocked down, doesn't mean you can never get back up. It takes courage, FAITH, and effort, but it can be done. Any one of us can get back up. Inspire and allow yourself to be inspired. Set a higher standard for yourself and know that you are capable of doing any great thing you can imagine doing. We all are!
I must apologize if this post wasn't as chipper and cheerful as my usual posts are. This blog is going to be real and raw. I'm putting myself out there, accepting the humility that comes along with it because I know it'll only help me grow. Knowing that the words and promises are out there and I'm being watched and held accountable is just what I need to help fuel the fire. In telling the negative side as well as the (much bigger) positive side, girls and women can see, this is real, this can happen. I don't want pity, and I don't hold any ill feelings towards those that are simply uninterested, family or not. It is what it is!
Also, when I say "family" in my response to the first question, I'm speaking in general. Some of my family members (a few) have been wonderful and considerate (not to say the others aren't considerate - I'm treading carefully here) and seemingly have a genuine concern for my overall happiness and well-being. I'd like to say thank you to them, and they will know who they are.
I'd like to ask that anyone who has a question either for me, or that they would like to see posted because they believe it will help other women in any less-than-favourable situation similar to mine, please, reach out. All I want to do is help others. To empower them and let them know that they are not alone in whatever hardships they may be facing.
As for beautiful Miss Faith, (my inspiration and motivation), I continue to receive pictures, updates on milestones she is reaching, and more. It's more than I could ever ask for and I am so grateful to her parents. I am so happy and confident with the decision I made. It was the right choice. It wasn't the only choice, but it was the right choice.
I am going to leave you with an incredibly beautiful face to stare at if you so wish. Compliments of her lovely Mom an Dad <3