Friday, January 16, 2015

Q's & A's #1

I'll try to cover a question every few days, at least. Makes for a lot of typing, haha! I don't mind at all though, it's fun and relieves stress. It's the re-reading afterward and I try to keep all of the information to a minimum because I actually want people to read what I post. Some people get intimidated and don't look forward to super long posts!

  • Why choose adoption? (Let's just get right to it!)
    I considered all of my options IE keeping Faith, and raising her as a single Mom, abortion, and adoption. Keeping Faith, to raise as a single Mom was going to be the most difficult of the three options. It would be a daily struggle, emotionally, physically, and most of all, financially. (I feel the need to include the fact that during this decision making process, I didn't know Faith was Faith yet. She was just a little peanut with out a name or a face yet growing in my belly!) While currently my only means of income is a spousal support payment and child support payment twice monthly from my ex-husband, I would've also received child support from Faith's biological Father. However, this would involve time spent in court, time that, as it passed, would mean supporting Faith on my current income. My ex-husband would literally be supporting myself, our son, and my daughter. That's not fair. Yes I felt like a failure. Eventually, the child support payment would be settled in court but as many single Mothers know, this process can take a while. So what about everything else that goes into being a parent? It's not easy caring for a newborn. It is incredibly rewarding but to say it requires a ton of work  and patience would be an understatement. I have no family here in Saint John. I wouldn't have the luxury of calling my Mom, Aunt, cousin or what have you to come over and give me a break. All I could imagine was the 3rd week in a row of being up all through the night with a crying infant, (and let's face it, postpartum depression isn't extremely uncommon so I had to also consider that I may've had it), day 3 or 4 with out a shower.. All of this with out a single break. I realize that people do it every day but what I also considered was my son, Kale. How could this affect his life as well? He didn't ask for this. No more McDonald's Happy Meals or peanut butter cups from the store because Mommy has to buy diapers. No more laying with him until he falls asleep because Mommy has to feed the baby. And I can't forget to mention that from before she is even born, Faith's Mom and Dad wouldn't be together. What kind of life is (everything that I mentioned) for anyone? It wasn't what I wanted for Kale, myself, or Faith.
    At the time, although it was with such a heavy heart, I felt my only option was to have an abortion. It didn't feel right at all; it just felt like the wrong decision for me. I was incredibly hesitant and reluctant to do it (now I know why) but it was the route I was going. At the time that I made that decision, I was extremely uneducated and misinformed in regards to adoption so I wasn't even considering it. I honestly didn't want to go through being pregnant for 9 months, gaining a bunch of weight, feeling sick, having to buy clothes that fit me,  having to explain to Kale what was going on, all to just "give up" my child to a stranger or even worse, place my child in the "system." There was no way! So I made the appointment. I want everyone to know, I had an abortion when I was 18. I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world at this point (even considering abortion a 2nd time) because I always felt (and still do) that abortion should not be used as a form of "birth control." I knew what I was getting myself into and I was so unhappy with myself for even considering it. Again, yes, I felt like a failure. What a low point in my life that was! So the date was set and the days leading up to it, all I could do was cry. I was so disappointed in myself.
    During this horrible time, a friend of mine disagreed with the choice I was making and let me know that because of the choice I was making, she no longer wanted to be my friend. It broke my heart but I understood. I didn't feel I could get much lower at that point. (I'm so happy this is all behind me!) A few days passed and my appointment drew closer and closer with each passing day. After a few days, that same friend sent me a message and told me she was just sending me a message to let me know that she knew of a couple that were currently going through the process of adopting internationally. I knew immediately the couple she was referring to and on a whim, I sent the Adoptive Mom a message! I didn't know what to say but I just kind of told her my situation. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that this was an option I wanted to explore with her and her husband (if it were even possible, remember, I knew nothing about adoption or if this was even legal at this point!) After just a few messages (and I was roughly 10 weeks along), the Adoptive Mom said "we would love to adopt your baby." Well that was it! Within moments I went from being the saddest person in the world to feeling excited and curious and most of all, hopeful! I literally called the next afternoon (after speaking all that day and the next morning with the Adoptive Mom) and cancelled my appointment for an abortion. I spoke about it with family members and friends within that 24 hours prior to calling and they shared in the excitement with me so I knew this was what I wanted to do and I had their support.
    *Awesome side story here; the Adoptive Parents had recently (at the time) received word (after going through the extremely tedious and time consuming process of filling out paper work, preparing their home, etc for International Adoption) that the time frame had basically expired and they'd have to begin the process all over again, from the beginning. "J" (Adoptive Mom) and "S" (Adoptive Dad) were crushed. "J" said to "S," (and there is more to it than just this, they have their own story that begins even before mine), "this just doesn't seem to be in the cards for us. We are just not meant to do this. We have our health, our home, our family, no one is sick, we need to just be thankful for what we have and stop wishing for something that doesn't seem to be meant to be. The only way we'll ever have our family is if someone picks up the phone and asks us to adopt their baby!" And then literally, a few days after saying that, "J" received my message on Facebook. Go figure!
    We also made an appointment for, and attended, a 4-d ultrasound. `I don't think there was a dry eye that day!! (Technology is awesome!)

    All of that being said, I feel like I should say something. I realize what an amazing gift it is that I have given. How many lives I've changed and most importantly, the bright future I've given Faith a perfect opportunity at having. But at the same time, I often feel guilty for getting so much praise over such a selfish/selfless act. It was selfish when I was considering abortion, and it was selfish when I couldn't keep her because of MY own issues/shortcomings. I understand what a selfless act adoption is; but the praise I receive sometimes doesn't feel deserved. I feel like a war hero who received a medal and feels guilty or undeserving of it because it was possibly "earned" at the expense of someone else. I don't know. Just my thoughts.

    Thanks for reading, and I'll be posting again soon!

    Please enjoy this pic of Faith taken during the aforementioned 4-d ultrasound, in comparison to her brother <3

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